One day I’ll start a modern crib company. It will be called “Hit the Hay/Dirt™” and the designs will be gorgeous. More importantly, there will be a helpful pamphlet taped to the underside of each mattress platform. Among its pages will be a twin bed that inflates silently, a mini infrared movie player, and a cozy comforter. Page one will contain a welcome greeting, illuminated by a tiny LED light:
Hi! Your hair looks awesome! Listen, your baby just smelled you, even though she’s sound asleep. Rather, she was sound asleep. Now she’s a flipping fish, which is why you just hit the dirt and discovered this pamphlet attached to the bottom of the crib. You see, in addition to looking hot, you smell fantastic, like a milkshake. Don’t move!!! She’s onto you. Settle in, you’re going to be here a while. Don’t worry if her Dad comes looking for you because you disappeared an hour ago. First of all, he probably won’t notice; the game is on. But if he does, rest at ease. He can flick on the lights, step on a talking toy, and snap some cute sleeping pics. She won’t notice him. But don’t you scoot, wave, or mouth “GET OUT!!” She’ll wake up. Guaranteed.
Never mind that Dad thinks you’re crazy. Melodramatic. Making things up. Here at Hit the Hay/Dirt™, we’ve spent many nights frozen on the floor, realizing, as our pupils dilate in the dark, that we’re eye-to-eye with baby. We understand that though you put her to bed facing the wall, she flipped. One rustle from you means you’re totally busted. Next up: crying, eating, and for you, no sleeping!
For real, your best bet is to crash here on the enclosed silent mattress. Keep warm with the cozy comforter. Watch a muted movie if your heart’s racing and you can’t relax. When baby wakes at her usual feeding time, get up and walk in place a little to fake like you weren’t just sleeping under her crib. Be realistic, like a mime. That way she won’t get attached to you sleeping under her crib. That would screw up your sleep forever. Forever! And we can’t have that.
1. Don’t move!!
2. Sleep under crib.
3. When baby wakes, mime-walk like a normal person.
4. Do what you have to do, then get out of there and don’t do this again tomorrow night, Mama!! Instead, Have Dad check on baby. Have him shoot some video while he’s in there to prove to you that she’s fine. Heck, have him bring in a whole movie crew, fuzzy mike and all, because Lord knows she’ll be none the wiser! Or better yet, tomorrow just sprinkle 1/4 cup of water on this pamphlet. It will turn into a video monitor so you can check on your sweet angel from…bed.
Your friends at HtH/D™